I Have No Value

How can I not feel worthless? I could have AT LEAST paid for a urine test on my cat to see if it was an infection rather than kidney stones requiring surgery. But did I? No. Because I don't have a lot of money to spare, and if it turned out to be something requiring surgery....I would have just spent a lot of money on the urine test, the vet's time, and all kinds of little costs they sneak in there. Rather, I paid to have my precious cat put to sleep because I could come up with that cash. And you know what? After he passed on, his body got so hot in the bladder area that I bet you almost anything it WAS an infection and not kidney stones. The antibiotics, IV, etc, etc,..would have cost a lot, too....but he would still be with us. I haven't even been able to wash all the blood "puddles" off my daughter's mattress yet because that is the last thing I have of him. And when I scrub that away....what's left? I feel sooooo worthless for my choice. I hardly slept Friday night because I wanted time with Cabby and we had to get up early. And I haven't been to bed yet...and it's Sunday morning now. Coffee and tranquillizers, night and day......mixed with plenty of tears. Because I'm worthless. And ALL DAY YESTERDAY (Saturday), I had myself set as available to every person on my Yahoo Messenger Buddy List. Guess what? Not ONE person got in touch. Not ONE. After a few hours, I even sent a short message to each one that said that I had just put my cat to sleep that day and I wanted to talk with my friend. STILL.....not one reply. And my Messenger is still on....although it's early Sunday morning now (almost 9:30am)...and no one wants to answer me. Every single one deserted me. WORTHLESS. Not even ONE asked how I was. And my Buddy list is short....maybe 10-12 people....and still no one cares about me. I thought I had friends. I killed my cat and I have no friends. WORTHLESS. They don't care a whit about me. Just too darn serious a situation. I'd better not show any support to her. Not even an Offline or email message. I feel like CRAP. I should just go into a chat room, turn on the webcam, take off all my clothes, and let the boys have fun! I guess I'm not worth any more than just that. Let them jerk themselves silly. Not ONE person. Even still. I can't believe it. And yet strangers on VOX sent me support messages. Makes no sense. And now I don't even have my kitty who loved me.