120 posts tagged “laugh”

How long do you take in the shower?
Submitted by Strive2Be.

Gosh, I'm rather embarrassed now.  I'm the person who posted this question, and I did so because my friend was SHOCKED at how long I took.  Lol.  He wanted to know *exactly* what I could possibly be doing in the shower....take him step by step.  I thought he was being silly, but after reading the answers to this question.....wow, I must transform into a turtle or some such slow critter when the water hits me.  I spend about an hour....yes, you heard me world....one whole hour....sixty minutes.....in the rectangle of spraying water.  That includes wash/rinse hair, wash/rinse body (lol), and shaving BOTH my legs (don't forget that there are TWO of them), plus maybe a touch-up shave between................shhhhhhhhhh.  AND....this doesn't even include getting into the song, "Good, good, good...good vibrations!"  Lol.  You really don't want to know how long I'm in the shower if I get that song into my head!!  So......I'm a turtle......or a slug......or some primordial sludge.  And then don't even get me into what I do AFTER the shower...lotion on the legs and (shhhhhhh area) so the skin doesn't dry out, clip the nails (and remember, we have finger AND toe nails!  Lol), dry myself, pat my hair dry and then let it dry on its own after I've combed it, and get dressed.  I also, at some point during all this time, am cleaning out the shower and drying it.  And guess what, guess what??  I'm one of those people who doesn't use all those creams and lotions and make-up and gobbly gook.  Can you imagine how long I'd be in the bathroom????  Just bodywash, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, and lotion for the shaved areas.  How come I feel like I'm on the witness stand, defending myself desperately so as not to received the death penalty??  *smile*  I'll have to go into hyperactive speed next time and let you know the results.  Probably shampoo in the eye, legs with hair still visible in areas, a nick in a sensitive spot, and a major slip getting out of the shower as my feet are still slimy with bodywash.  Well...at least I can yell to the world...I'M UNIQUE!!!!!  WooHoo!!!!  Not so sure if I like this uniqueness, though.  It's more like "Super freak, she's a super freak!"  Lol.

Squirrel Hacker

So, have you ever sat in the pleasant sun and felt the wisps of breeze as it touches your face, just so you don't have to sit in a stuffy home office to perform boring statistical analysis drudgery?  Then you make a little trip into the kitchen to get a nice sweet glass of ice-cold juice to take back out with you to quinch your thirst while you wrestle with those infuriating numerals?  Hmmm......your spreadsheet seems to have changed.  Could the sun hitting the screen somehow have caused that?  And what's this?  Pinecone seeds on the keyboard??  And then, ever so slowly, you look back up at the spreadsheet.....and find it has been wiped clean of all your hard work....only to be replaced by coquettish little squirrels.  You jump up and quickly look around for the jerk who dared to touch your laptop....only to be greeted by the twittering of little birds and the chattering of squirrels within the surrounding trees.  As you peer through the trees and don't see nor hear anything that allows you to know that one of your pals is in hiding, playing a prank, your legs buckle a little and you sit back down by your pinecone-seed coated keyboard and listen to the continuous chattering of the squirrels around you.  Could it be that we have allowed the animals too much access to our technology by taking our laptops with us to the beach, on camping trips, even into the backyard?  As you look back up at the smiling and wiggling little girlish squirrels on your screen, you hear a voice in your head that you haven't heard since 2002:  "The Truth Is Out There."

Rights of the Belt

Just one of the many unsavory duties of being a police officer.

There It Is, There It Is!

"I see it!  I saw it....ohhh, I see it!!  I saw it.  Eeks...I see it!!!!!!  I saw it.  Just you wait.  I am going to catch you on one of these turns.  I'll never wear out!  I'm a CAT.  We are born with patience and persistence.  You can't stay back there forever.  Ohhhhh...I see it!!!!!!  Gosh darn it, I saw it.  No, I see it, I see it................!"

What are the key ingredients for a successful party?

Party Scene

You can have a party organized and set up for an evening of fun, food, and companionship.  How thrilling!!  Your first big shindig that will be the talk of the town for months.  It would be a tremendous success except for one key ingredient:  No guests showed up.  You even had party-bags for each one.  *big sigh*  Time to go back on the antidepressants because now YOU will be the talk of the town instead of your successful party.....and not in the way you wish to be discussed.

What would make you question a friendship?
Submitted by stueykins.

My Dearest Friend

If my very best friend jumped out at me with anger flaring in her eyes and some sort of whacky-whacky stick at the ready to be hurled at me, I might question where I thought our relationship had been headed.  I certainly wouldn't question the signals I was receiving from her, though.  Time to peruse through the Yellow Pages for another dear friend. 

LAPD Captain's Shield

(This joke posting cracks me up every time, even when I just happen to look at it and haven't read through it again.  It's so silly!  LOL)

An off-duty LAPD Captain assigned to Newton Division narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the officer began to slip sideways from the saddle. Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck, but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the Captain attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground. Moments away from unconsciousness and probable death, to his great fortune a Los Angeles County Sheriff's Deputy, at Wal-Mart on a shoplifting call, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse!

Where Is The Military Base?

"Gosh darn it, Lloyd, I thought you knew where the base was."  "Hank, I know we came up this way.  I remember that overhead walkway.  But I don't remember there being so many lanes on this road."  "Just admit it, Lloyd, we're lost...aren't we?  You just had to have those cigarettes, right?  Can we just ask someone for directions??"  "Ummmm....well, sure I needed my morning smoke.  But we're not lost, not at all.  I'm just going to pull over to the side and then when our exit comes up, we'll be off this road and back on the base.  No one is going to get in trouble.  You worry too much, dude.  We probably haven't even been noticed yet."

Where Did Everyone Go?

"This is Daisy Dufuss reporting on KDUH as to the mysterious whereabouts of the town's entire police motorcycle division.  There has been a very observable absense of the two-wheeled vehicles and the officers that patrol on them.  I can personally testify that my team has been out all day, along with the local radio station, KDUM, investigating every lead...however far-fetched or not...as to where our motorcycle officers may have disappeared to.  Is it another case for the X-Files, as this happened with the K-9 Division approximately two months ago.  The officers had no recollection of where the dogs nor they themselves had been for a period of about 6 hours. The dogs, however, appeared to suffer from upset stomaches...most likely from the probes used by the aliens.  We established that the officers' brains must have been wiped clean for those missing hours.  If anyone has any information concerning our motorcycle division, please come forward.  It appears as though our community may be under alien survelliance, and we need our men and women in blue to be safe and come back unharmed.  Plus, each motorcycle costs a fortune and we need these resources returned in excellent condition as we do not have the funds in the Police Department's or City Hall's coffers to purchase more motorcycles.  Please....we need your help.  If you see anything unusual, please call our number (of which, I'm afraid, we could not afford a toll-free hotline) at DOU-NUTS (368-6887).  This is Daisy Dufus with KDUH, along with our collegues at radio station KDUM, signing off from downtown Sugarville."

Make Love, Not War (gif)

The depth of love, the emotional attachment, the deepest desires, the smiles of friendship....and then a whomp on the side of the head with a boxing glove!  Hey, that doesn't seem as romantic anymore!  Good thing the boxers have a sense of humor or the boxing match may have started before the bell rang.  Lol!!!!