Johnette Napolitano: Suicide Note

I've been strangled, smothered, punched, pushed, yanked, slapped, shouted at, injured....12 years of marriage. Worked 4 years with police officers dealing with death, injury, pain, sorrow....even hearing one of my guys getting shot and his partner emptying his weapon on the fleeing car. Dealing for 4 months with the tragedy of Swissair Flight 111....the site, the loved ones, the morgue with all the body parts, personal belongings, plane parts, dedicated experts....all the sights, sounds, sensations of touch, smell. A nursing home fire with a dead resident. Volunteering at a safe house for abused women and their children. Taking my kids from California (2 and 5 years old) with two suitcases and a carry-on full of diapers, etc.....and starting life over again FAR from my abusive husband. Full custody, but husband never once paid child support. I kept men out of my life for 10 years. Never, never, never would I be treated that way again. Kids are grown and gone...19 and 16 now. I'm 42....and lonely for love. I killed my cat because I am so worthless that I did not have the funds to help him. I am tired. I am lonely. I want love...not just any old sexual act. I want my best friend to grow old with and to stand by his side until our world ends. I want to make him happy...which will make me happy. But I am alone....and I just had my cat put to sleep without even the chance to tell him that I loved him and to say good-bye with a kiss and a hug. I'm not suicidal. I just have no purpose and I'm all alone without love. And yet, I've always managed to hang onto a happiness of a sort. I'm not happy now.